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HISTORY LESSON
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled
by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from
an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any
ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines. President Clinton would have liked to live in those
days.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth
is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another
man with the same name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an
overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the Java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for
very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee,
Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by
Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man
should be hanged twice for the same offence.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many
poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through
an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was
a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they
all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with
a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on
his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
terectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are
an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be
laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife
died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America
while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the
Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates
from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the titution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book
called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and
had a large number of children. In between he practised on
an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in
the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half
Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired
in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened
and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her
death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and
started reproducing by machine. The invention of the
steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
was naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman
Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by an analist, ushered in a new error in the anals
of human history.
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